In my opinion, modern ideas of romance are downright unromantic! However, I shall not claim that superficial love or duplicity just popped up recently, in the last few years, or even the last few decades. Heck, Shakespeare was writing about the problem centuries ago. Yet the 21st century poverty-stricken “modern idea” of love and friendship has much to do with the mindlessness of modern media and social media, in which lust is typically what is meant when “love at first sight” is portrayed. Sigh. I suppose that the collective loss of moral compass is mostly unintentional, (like the way we lose our car keys) and thus, during the last few centuries, we’ve confused romantic love with fleeting physical relationships. They are not usually the “happily ever after” kind. We seek stability and consistency in our friendships and partners. To say that our intimate relationships should be based on more than physicality and sex, is not about bashing sex. Rather, it’s about increasing self knowledge so we recognize and appreciate a good relationship. Consider “hookup” culture (an oxymoron if you ask me, and also an unfortunate trend), in which strangers meet solely to have sex, and basically that’s it. Not to judge harshly, yet not only is this an extremely scary thing to do, but research found that these youth do this… because their friends ‘expect’ them to? The “romantic” aspect…where is it? The only thing comparable is when animals meet by accident and “do it” in the street. Yet, even many animals have courtship rituals and, to some degree display a little “pickiness” as to their choice of a partner. Some animals even mate for life! So hookups….well, it’s horrible to compare it with…yet it’s mainly the insect species that just “do it” without so much as a “date” or even a pretense at commitment. It’s simply awful and geared towards exploitation (mostly of young women) yet it’s also dispicable, as far as the so-called ‘friends’ who pressure these kids to engage in it. Also, according to the same studies, these young folks actually hope for a loving relationship to arise during these interactions. This is terrible. No one who is genuinely seeking love should feel that this is the only way. Hearing about such misled attempts at connection has inspired me to write (once again) about healthy relationships.
We seek good friendships and hope to connect with others to find love. Okay, introducing Bhakti-yoga! Yoga is the real best way of connecting. Yoga (literally) means “connecting,” and by connecting we “dis-cover” or uncover the self. This is self-knowledge (self-realization), which allows us to stop seeing ourselves as the material body. While the body is an amazing vehicle for doing what we need to do in life, yet we are more than these bodies. The conscious “self” is an inconceivably beautiful and consciousness spark, that is intimately connected with our Source, the reason and cause of our existence. We can call this God (we won’t get hung up on any particular name). My name for this source is the Sanskrit name Krishna (it means All-attractive). Yoga practice helps free us from “body-consciousness,” which is the mistake of focusing on what is external and temporary, (the body doesn’t last forever). Yoga helps us realize the most fundamental and eternal part of ourselves. This self-knowledge, is what philosophers like Socrates recommended and which Jane Austen wrote about in her novels. Her heroines meditate and sincerely seek after ‘self-knowledge.’ In Pride & Prejudice, after reading Mr. Darcy’s letter which unfolded all her prideful misconceptions about him, Elizabeth Bennett exclaims, “Till this moment I never knew myself.” (Ch. 36)
From this point in the novel, Elizabeth and Darcy gradually begin to understand each other. The more they know about themselves, the better they respect and appreciate each other and at last they are able to “connect.” If they had not experienced their difficult moment of seeing their own mistakes which gradually led both of them to self-realization (Darcy also goes through a similar process of seeing his flaws and selfishness), they never would have been able to love and respect each other.
The truth is that we are currently “covered” by the ignorance of misunderstanding ourselves to be material, rather than spiritual beings. While trying to gratify the needs of this body, we might tend to focus only on our own physical desires, and not remember that we must also consider the needs of others. When we forget this, it often results in selfishly seeking to take (or exploit) someone else, or someone else’s body, which is illegal and (actually) disgusting. “Taking” is the opposite of love. Obviously, the less we have intense selfishness, the more we are free to love. Both Elizabeth and Darcy learned to be less selfish and discovered perfect happiness in each other.
So here’s where Jane and yoga can help us, too! Jane wrote romantic novels that demonstrate the hazards and challenges to finding love. She understood what was involved in seeking a serious relationship with someone, only to find out that they are not the person we imagined them to be. In her novels, the heroines…well, they “go slow” and patiently wait. Yup, there is no “fooling around” until they’ve have had enough time to understand the character of the person whom they are thinking about as a potential partner. You might know that during the Regency period (around the late 1700s to early 1800s, there was no divorce or only by an act of parliament). So finding a good partner wasn’t just a problem for women. Men and women are equally liable to fall in love and “check out” in terms of rational thinking. Omg. It’s such an old story…
In Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, the hero, Edmund Bertram, develops a deep infatuation with the artful and seductive Mary Crawford. Initially, he sees the faults in her thinking and behavior, yet he is gradually blinded by what he calls her ‘lively’ mind, her harp playing and her beauty). Eventually his mind becomes bewildered. Just as he is about to propose to her, a lucky series of events “breaks the spell.” Edmund sees that she is not the person he thought she was, not even close! His wishful imagination got the best of his intellect. How many of us have been there, with our love endorphins raging, imagining that we know someone, only to find out that this is not the person we were convinced we were in love with. These days, we tend to move a bit too fast, miss all the red flags, and find out too late, after all the expense of marriage, and kids. Be your own friend and go slow during the dating process. Take a year or two to find out if this is the right person and state your intentions. “I want marriage and children” and question them to see if you are compatible and want the same kind of relationship and if you have the same values and intentions. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a physical relationship (they are using you for sex).
By the way, gotta say this…it’s striking that many of the unprincipled characters in Austen’s novels, are the ones many (foolish) readers “fall for.” They find Mary Crawford (and her rakish brother, Henry Crawford, irresistibly charming! It’s as if they’ve been reading a different novel or they refuse to acknowledge Jane Austen’s message. Like Edmund, they are not paying attention or thinking clearly while these characters are so blatantly behaving badly. It’s terrifying. They are explicitly telling us what they are—so if you meet people like this, and usually they give “red flags” so believe them! So if these readers are charmed…well, we feel for them if they ever meet a “Mary Crawford.”
Humans are by nature ‘wired’ to seek love, so what does an intelligent person do? How do we sift through (or run away from) the “users” and “takers” out there—and how do we stay rational during those moments when the love endorphins are going full force? Do we need a strategy? We certainly do! Many a love song goes on about this dilemma, right? The first thing to realize, is that we can’t do anything about other people, yet we can protect ourselves from serious consequences and entanglement. It’s a matter of having the right consciousness. This study of consciousness is part of the science of yoga philosophy and this video link (below) is something amazing. It’s a lecture given by my mentor, HD Goswami, on the “whys and hows” that yoga is great for rational life, which is the best way to start understanding “self-knowledge” which is essential for love (and I go more into the topic of love in my blog on Yoga and Aristotle). Links are on this page. Enjoy the video!
Jane Austen Yoga 