What’s up with modern portrayals of ‘loving’ relationships that are hardly loving! Why does it seem we’ve lost even the appearance of love in modern movies and social media, and worse, in our own lives? No doubt, the rampant increase in narcissism contributes to it, no thanks to our “narcissistic-in-chief” who can’t control his stupid comments even in the presence of a Saudi prince, and at a state function. With such an uncivilized example, no surprise that society veers precariously towards a stronger tendency to mutual disregard and disrespect. It’s everywhere. Recently, an Austrian man left his partner behind to freeze to death on a mountain (and he had done something similar to another woman. Omg. This is not normal. As the song goes, where is the love?
Jane Austen challenges modern ideas of love, especially going after claims of “love at first sight.” If it’s merely a case of physical attraction, the more correct term would be ‘lust,’ not love. In Jane’s novels, relationships based simply on looks, or on anything superficial, even the enticement of wealth, (as opposed to the rare quality of good character), are unacceptable as to the romantic ideal. Austen’s heroines never marry for mere economic reasons, and ‘prudent’ marriages are anything but romantic. True love requires an understanding between partners. Also, some knowledge of who WE are. Our true self, is consciousness, not a material thing. Our body is merely a vehicle. In fact, we are spiritual beings “dba,” doing business as human beings. Usually, we seek external pleasure while remaining asleep to the true self. The self is an untapped (and unsuspected) internal source of unlimited bliss and knowledge. Ironically, we are naturally pleasure-seeking beings who are bewildered when we are driven by strong urges of the senses. For example, if our hunger is very intense, we naturally cannot think about anything but food. When a man has a strong attraction to a woman, he may have difficulty acknowledging her wishes and needs. This is called “objectification.” It’s a state in which one thinks only about what they need, and can lead to uncivilized and, frankly, disgusting behavior.
At the moment, we are a society struggling under a “collective” loss of moral compass. It’s unintentional, yet not as innocent as losing our car keys. It’s a loss of what is vital to happiness. Actually, morality might be considered a type of common sense. A few decades ago, it was obvious to most people that being treated. as an object was disrespectful. Yet here we are, in a world where some people act like ruthlessly using others —even children!—is no big deal. Plutocracy, or Rule by the Rich (billionaires) is a perfect example of the objectification of (basically everyone) by the ultra rich. As society becomes more uncivil and bewildered, we may wonder where to find happiness.
In healthy relationships, we enjoy showing the other person how much we value and respect them. We also seek someone who reciprocates our love. Without it, the relationship runs into problems. Jane Austen would say that love is a combination of esteem and gratitude. We cannot use someone while claiming to respect them. Love is expressed by giving, (vanity is expressed by taking). Cue Aretha Franklin’s hit song, “Respect!” Actual happiness is part of who we are. We can rediscover it! For example, if we want to get pure water, all we have to do is remove whatever impurities are in the water—just return the water to its pure form. The process of re-connection is called yoga (literally, ‘connection’), to the source of our existence. This source (God) has unlimited names and we use the Sanskrit name, Krishna, which means “possessing unlimited beauty and all attractive qualities.” As our source is personal and unlimitedly beautiful, so we are also innately very beautiful and intelligent beings. We experience unhappiness because our self-knowledge is “covered” by material modes of nature—goodness, passion and ignorance. Think of a traffic light with red, green or yellow. Beneath the colored lenses, is pure white light. These 3 modes of nature are covering our pure consciousness and causing us to falsely mistake “self” as the body. So how do we stop identifying ourselves as a temporary material body? It’s interesting that there’s a scientific argument that proves that we cannot be these bodies. Just understand that, according to science, our bodies undergo reincarnation, even in this life.
Science says we are changing the skin cells (every 2 weeks) and all the cells are changing, every 7 years). So divide your age by 7 and that’s how many times your body has reincarnated—just in this one life! Don’t we remain the same person and identify ourselves as the same person that we were as small children? Of course! This unchanging consciousness (of self) is the true self. The important thing is that we can ‘rediscover’ (literally “dis-cover”) our pure consciousness as we reconnect with the source of our existence. This reconnection is called Yoga. Yoga literally means to connect and it’s the best way to attain self-realization.
Jane Austen wrote novels about self-knowledge (self-realization), self-control and metaphysics (or what exists beyond the physical realm). Her ideas were inspired by the Enlightenment era in Europe, when everyone was interested in science and the best method to achieve happiness. To appreciate a life of goodness and reciprocal loving friendship is a better way of living than mistaking existence as simply a brutish meaningless function of following animal-like urges. So the practice of yoga gives us the realization that gives us the full freedom to truly love others rather than just seeking to exploit them.
As for the body, it’s important and we take care of the body because it is an amazing vehicle for doing what we need to do in life. Especially, the human body (unlike lower forms of life), gives us the opportunity to realize that we are more than just matter. The inner, conscious “self” is a spark of pure consciousness, with qualities that are like the qualities of our Source, yet we are always a separate person with free will. We get spiritual intelligence (buddhi-yoga) by making a sincere connection to our source. This process of “devotional connection” is called bhakti-yoga.
In material (mundane) consciousness, we focus on all things external and temporary. Unfortunately, the body, unlike the eternal self, doesn’t last. Bhakti-yoga is the better option, to “dis-cover” the eternal part of ourselves.
Philosophers like Socrates recommended getting in touch with self and Jane Austen wrote about it. What’s interesting is that her heroines ‘meditate.’ Literally, Jane used this term, “meditation” which, 250 years ago (this is 2026) meant to spend time in silence or prayer. Anne Elliot, the heroine of Persuasion, finds herself in need of meditation when she is finally assured that Captain Wentworth still loves her! Years before, Anne had refused his marriage proposal, on the advice of a mother-figure. So when Wentworth comes back to her and (again) proposes to her, Anne experiences feelings of such happiness that she finds herself needing to meditate. “An interval of meditation, serious and grateful, was the best corrective of every thing dangerous in such high-wrought felicity…” (Persuasion, Ch. 11). Meditation helps us clarify our thoughts and feelings. In Pride & Prejudice, after reading (and rereading), and thinking very deeply about Mr. Darcy’s letter, which made her only too aware of all her prideful misconceptions about him, Elizabeth finally exclaims, “Till this moment I never knew myself.” (Ch. 36). From that point in the novel, Elizabeth and Darcy gradually begin to understand each other. The more they know about themselves, the better they respect and appreciate each other and at last they are able to “connect.” Without honestly understanding themselves first, they never would have been able to love and respect each other. Truly a romantic relationship! This can happen for us also! We are meant to have loving relationships.
Again, by beginning the process of yoga, we will gradually remove the intense identification with these material bodies, and be free to really share love with others, just as Elizabeth and Darcy discovered their appreciation for each other. Love develops as we reciprocate feelings of friendship, respect and gratitude towards each other.
So, having said this much, this blog was supposed to be about Mansfield Park, wasn’t it? Mansfield Park is a challenging novel for many readers. In this novel, both men and women are equally liable to fall in love and “check out” in terms of rational thinking. Omg. It’s such an old story! The hero, Edmund Bertram, develops a dangerous infatuation with the artful and seductive Mary Crawford. Initially, he sees the faults in her thinking and behavior, yet he is gradually blinded. Her beauty, her harp-playing …and Cupid’s arrow! He forgets all her faults and only sees her alluring charms. She’s the “one and only”perfect partner for him! Never mind that she has no interest in religion (Edmund is serious about becoming a clergyman), and no interest in morality either. Her brother, Henry, is just like her and seduces Edmund’s sister, Maria into an adulterous relationship, (one that inevitably becomes an excruciatingly public affair and ends her life in privileged high society), and devastates her family. How many of us have been there? Our love endorphins raging, we imagine that we know someone, only to find out, that they are not a good choice. These days, we tend to move a bit too fast, miss all the red flags, and find out too late. Don’t be in a rush. Be your own friend and go slow during the dating process.
Take a year or two to find out if this is the right person and state your intentions: “I want marriage and children” and find out if they are serious about wanting the same kind of relationship. Find out if you both have the same values and intentions. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a casual physical relationship (they are using you). If you need help with dating or how relationships are supposed to work, check out Anna Runkle’s channel (Crappy Childhood Fairy) on YouTube.
By the way, gotta say this…it’s striking that many of the unprincipled characters in Austen’s novels, are the one many modern readers “fall for.” They find Mary Crawford (and her rakish brother, Henry Crawford, irresistibly charming! It’s like they haven’t understood anything that is going on (in the novel)! As if they have been reading a different novel, they simply refuse to acknowledge the truth presented about Henry and Mary. Like Edmund, they ignore the fact that some characters are behaving monstrously. They are explicitly telling us what they are! Mary Crawford speaks lightly about her thoughtlessness—“Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope for a cure.” (MP Ch 7). Despite telling everyone around them what they are like, people don’t seem to hear. We feel for them if they ever meet a “Mary Crawford.” Meanwhile, the heroine in Mansfield Park, Fanny Price, has to fight off Mary’s brother, Henry, who is just as deceptive. Fanny loves Edmund, but cannot reveal it. She is not blinded by Mary’s charm and has not forgotten her faults—
“Could she believe Miss Crawford to deserve him, it would be – Oh, how different it would be – how far more tolerable! But he was deceived in her: he gave her merits which she had not; her faults were what they had ever been, but he saw them no longer.” (MP, Ch)
How do we sift through (or run away)? How do we stay rational during those moments when the love endorphins are going full force? Do we need a strategy? We certainly do! Many a love song goes on about this dilemma, right? Nothing can be done about other people’s behavior, yet we can protect ourselves from serious consequences and entanglement. It’s a matter of having the right consciousness.
The video link (below) is something amazing. It’s a lecture given by my mentor, HD Goswami, on the best way to start understanding this self-knowledge. Enjoy the video!
Jane Austen Yoga 