In my exceedingly romantic opinion, modern mainstream romance is a downright disappointment. This is not to say that superficial love just popped up recently, or in the last few decades. Heck, Shakespeare was writing, centuries ago, about miserable misunderstandings and dirty dealings. Yet, at least there were norms and standards of behavior. The crazy extremes of modern love and friendship has much to do with the mindlessness of modern social media. How often is lust what is meant when “love at first sight” is claimed? Sigh. Perhaps our collective loss of moral compass is mostly unintentional, (like the way we lose our car keys). Since the 1960s, (or was it the 1920’s) we’ve begun confused romantic love with fleeting, casual physical relationships, which are rarely the “happily ever after” kind. Yet stability and consistency in our friendships and partners, is what we need, and it’s what we’re wired for. Couples need it and children need a stable environment.
To critique taking intimacy lightly, is not about bashing sex. Rather, it’s about being careful when searching for a loving relationship. Why leave this up to chance? Why get pregnant first, only to discover, later on, that the guy…was not the one for you?
Perhaps you’ve heard about “hookup” culture, in which strangers meet solely to have sex. Devoid of anything like an actual relationship, it’s obviously an extremely dangerous thing. Also, researchers found that those who engage in hookups are doing it…because their friends ‘expect’ them to. Reality check: There is nothing romantic about hookups! For information as to safe dating, check out Anna Runckle’s channel on YouTube, (The Crappy Childhood Fairy). She offers all kinds of good advice.
Now, back to connecting with our source…Introducing Bhakti-yoga! Yoga is the real best way to find your happiness. Yoga (literally) means “connecting,” and by connecting we “dis-cover” or uncover the self. Self-knowledge (self-realization), allows us to stop seeing ourselves as the material body. While the body is an amazing vehicle for doing what we need to do in life, the human body gives us the opportunity to realize that we are more than these bodies. The inner, conscious “self” is an inconceivably beautiful and consciousness spark. Our Source is the cause of our existence, or God (we won’t get hung up on any particular name, although we prefer the Sanskrit name Krishna, which means all-attractive).
In material (mundane) consciousness, we focus on all things external and temporary. The body, unlike the self, doesn’t last. Bhakti-yoga is the process of connecting to the most fundamental and eternal part of ourselves. Philosophers like Socrates recommended getting in touch with self and Jane Austen wrote about it in her novels. Her heroines ‘meditate’ (really, this is how Austen describes it). Meditation often meant to spend some time in silence or prayer. Anne Elliot, the heroine of Persuasion, is finally assured that Captain Wentworth still loves her. Years before, Anne had refused his marriage proposal, on the advice of a mother-figure, owing to Wentworth’s lack of fortune, yet Anne had been in love). she goes to her own room to “recover” herself. “An interval of meditation, serious and grateful, was the best corrective of every thing dangerous in such high-wrought felicity
In Pride & Prejudice, after reading Mr. Darcy’s letter which unfolded all her prideful misconceptions about him, Elizabeth Bennett exclaims, “Till this moment I never knew myself.” (Ch. 36)
From that point in the novel, Elizabeth and Darcy gradually begin to understand each other. The more they know about themselves, the better they respect and appreciate each other and at last they are able to “connect.” They each experienced their own personal “moment” of seeing their own mistakes which gradually led both of them to self-realization (Darcy also goes through a similar process of seeing his flaws and selfishness). Without honestly understanding themselves first, they never would have been able to love and respect each other.
At this moment, our knowledge is covered due to misunderstanding ourselves to be material, rather than spiritual beings. While trying to gratify the urges and needs of this body, we tend to focus only on our own physical desires, exclusively. Because we ‘need’ things, we can fall into seeing others as “object” to be used for our own selfish purpose. We may attempt to enjoy or exploit other bodies. This sort of behavior is extremely uncivilized. “Taking” is the opposite of love. The less we have intense identification with these material bodies, the more we are free to really share love with others. This is how Elizabeth and Darcy discovered their appreciation for each other. Their relationship develops as they reciprocate feelings of friendship, respect and gratitude towards each other.
So here’s where Jane and yoga can help us, too! Jane wrote romantic novels that demonstrate the hazards and challenges to finding love. She understood what was involved in seeking a serious relationship with someone. Then the heroine finds, after a few weeks (or months), that the person is not the person she imagined them to be. Luckily the wise heroines go slow. Elizabeth promises her aunt to not be in a hurry and not to allow her vanity to be flattered. She was cautious and found out Mr. Wickham was a no good, impudent and penniless “cad.” She had listened to her aunt, and hadn’t allowed herself to be blinded by his soft-spoken “manly” charms! It wasn’t luck either, rather it was by using her good sense.
Perhaps you know that during the Regency period (late 1700s to early 1800s, divorce was only allowed by a special act of parliament). Finding a good partner wasn’t just a problem for women. Men and women are equally liable to fall in love and “check out” in terms of rational thinking. Omg. It’s such an old story. In Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, the hero, Edmund Bertram, develops a dangerous infatuation with the artful and seductive Mary Crawford. Initially, he sees the faults in her thinking and behavior, yet he is gradually blinded. Her beauty, her harp-playing and Cupid’s arrow! He forgets all that is wrong and only sees her as the perfect partner for him! Just as he is about to propose to her, a series of events “breaks the spell.” Edmund (finally!) sees that she is not the person he thought she was. Not even close! The dangers of unrestrained “wishful imagination.”
How many of us have been there? Our love endorphins raging, we imagine that we know someone, only to find out, (hopefully before we get too lost in the admiration of the moment-perhaps under the influence of alcohol), that this is not a good choice. These days, we tend to move a bit too fast, miss all the red flags, and find out too late. Don’t be in a rush. Be your own friend and go slow during the dating process. Take a year or two to find out if this is the right person and state your intentions: “I want marriage and children” and bravely ask them…to see if you are compatible and want the same kind of relationship and if you have the same values and intentions. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a physical relationship (they are using you for sex). Again, check out Anna Runkle’s channel (Crappy Childhood Fairy) on YouTube.
By the way, gotta say this…it’s striking that many of the unprincipled characters in Austen’s novels, are the one many modern readers “fall for.” They find Mary Crawford (and her rakish brother, Henry Crawford, irresistibly charming! It’s like they’ve been reading a different novel or they simply refuse to acknowledge the truth presented about them. Like Edmund, they ignore the fact that some characters are behaving monstrously. They are explicitly telling us what they are. Here’s Mary Crawford speaking lightly about her thoughtlessness—“Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope for a cure.” (MP Ch 7). Despite telling everyone around them what they are like, people don’t seem to hear. We feel for them if they ever meet a “Mary Crawford.” Meanwhile, the heroine in Mansfield Park, Fanny Price, has to fight off Mary’s brother, Henry, who is just as deceptive. Fanny loves Edmund, but cannot reveal it. She is not blinded by Mary’s charm and has not forgotten her faults—
“Could she believe Miss Crawford to deserve him, it would be – Oh, how different it would be – how far more tolerable! But he was deceived in her: he gave her merits which she had not; her faults were what they had ever been, but he saw them no longer.” (MP, Ch)
How do we sift through (or run away)? How do we stay rational during those moments when the love endorphins are going full force? Do we need a strategy? We certainly do! Many a love song goes on about this dilemma, right? Nothing can be done about other people’s behavior, yet we can protect ourselves from serious consequences and entanglement. It’s a matter of having the right consciousness.
The video link (below) is something amazing. It’s a lecture given by my mentor, HD Goswami, on the best way to start understanding this self-knowledge. Enjoy the video!
Jane Austen Yoga 