In my exceedingly romantic opinion, modern mainstream portrayals of ‘loving’ relationships are…at best, hardly loving! We’ve lost even the appearance of love and instead, people flagrantly misuse, or are so duplicitous, that they can leave their partner to freeze to death on a mountain (this happened recently). This really isn’t normal. It is extremely thoughtless and selfish behavior. As the song goes, where is the love?
Consider the typical underlying feeling when, “love at first sight” is claimed. It’s may be anything but love, or rather, we become physically attracted and so the correct term would be ‘lust’ not love. Consider a relationship based simply on someone’s looks. It’s not a great idea. This is not because extremely beautiful people are bad. Rather, backing up for a moment, it’s important to understand that the ‘lust’ problem originates in our understanding of who we are. The self is conscious and consciousness is not a material thing. The body is different from the conscious self. We are “dba,” doing business as human beings yet we are actually spiritual beings. We are, naturally, searching everywhere for happiness, yet we don’t find it because we looking for it in external things. We are seeking to exploit other people (or their bodies). We want to gratify ourselves by taking. This wish for exploitation of others isn’t love. Love means giving and when we are in love, we enjoy giving and showing our partner how much we value them. We seek ‘good’ qualities in a partner and someone who can and will reciprocate our love. Strange that we would feel it necessary to mention this! It’s a strange world. To be used by someone is a form of disrespect and there’s no way that we can use someone while claiming to respect them. Therefore, what we really seek are loyalty and consistency in relationships. This is healthy and it’s what we’re wired for.
The terrible influence of modern society and social media, and the collective loss of our moral compass is perhaps unintentional, yet it’s not so much like losing our car keys, as losing common sense. It used to be obvious that being treated as an object by someone you hardly know, is disrespectful, yet we’re living in a very complicated and artificial society. Where is happiness?
Happiness is a result of connecting with your inner self. We originate from a loving, personal and unimaginably beautiful source… and connection to this source, is called yoga. Our source has unlimited names (I prefer to use the name Krishna, “The one possessing unlimited beauty and attractive qualities”). As we come from unlimited beauty, we are also innately beautiful and intelligent beings. At this moment, we don’t see our true nature and potential. This is because our self-knowledge is “covered” by material modes of nature—goodness, passion and ignorance. This is something I will get into later. Reconnecting with our personal source is called Yoga. Yoga literally means “connection” and is the best way to “dis-cover” or uncover the self. Self-knowledge (self-realization), allows us to stop seeing ourselves as simply material beings. This realization allows us the freedom to truly love others rather than just seeking to exploit them.
As for the body, it’s important and we take care of the body because it is an amazing vehicle for doing what we need to do in life. Especially, the human body (unlike lower forms of life), gives us the opportunity to realize that we are more than just matter. The inner, conscious “self” is a consciousness spark, with qualities that are like the qualities of our Source, yet we are always a separate person with free will. We can choose in two ways, either foolishly or using the spiritual intelligence that we get by connection to our source. This process of “devotional connection” is called bhakti-yoga.
In material (mundane) consciousness, we focus on all things external and temporary. Unfortunately, the body, unlike the eternal self, doesn’t last. Bhakti-yoga is the better option. It’s a process of connecting to the most fundamental and (even better), the eternal part of ourselves. Philosophers like Socrates recommended getting in touch with self and Jane Austen wrote about it in her novels. What’s res interesting is that her heroines ‘meditate.’ Literally, Jane Austen used this term, “meditation” which, 250 years ago (in 2026) just means to spend some time in silence or prayer. Anne Elliot, the heroine of Persuasion, is nearly overwhelmed, at the end of the novel, when she is finally assured that Captain Wentworth still loves her. She retreats to her room for a few minutes to steady her emotions, by meditation. Years before, Anne had refused his marriage proposal, on the advice of a mother-figure (owing to Wentworth’s lack of fortune and position), yet Anne had been deeply in love. So after Wentworth comes back to her, Anne experiences feelings of such happiness that she finds herself needing to meditate. “An interval of meditation, serious and grateful, was the best corrective of every thing dangerous in such high-wrought felicity…” (Persuasion, Ch. 11). Meditation helps us clarify our thoughts and feelings. In Pride & Prejudice, after reading Mr. Darcy’s letter, which unfolded all her prideful misconceptions about him, Elizabeth meditated on the truth of the ‘evidence’ and exclaims, “Till this moment I never knew myself.” (Ch. 36). From that point in the novel, Elizabeth and Darcy gradually begin to understand each other. The more they know about themselves, the better they respect and appreciate each other and at last they are able to “connect.” They each experienced their own personal realization, each confronts their mistaken attitudes. Without honestly understanding themselves first, they never would have been able to love and respect each other. Truly a romantic relationship!
Again, by beginning the process of yoga, we will gradually remove the intense identification with these material bodies, and be free to really share love with others, like Elizabeth and Darcy discovered their appreciation for each other. Love develops as we reciprocate feelings of friendship, respect and gratitude towards each other.
So, having said this much, this blog was supposed to be about Mansfield Park, wasn’t it? Mansfield Park is a challenging novel for many readers. In this novel, both men and women are equally liable to fall in love and “check out” in terms of rational thinking. Omg. It’s such an old story! The hero, Edmund Bertram, develops a dangerous infatuation with the artful and seductive Mary Crawford. Initially, he sees the faults in her thinking and behavior, yet he is gradually blinded. Her beauty, her harp-playing …and Cupid’s arrow! He forgets all her faults and only sees her alluring charms. She’s the “one and only”perfect partner for him! Never mind that she has no interest in religion (Edmund is serious about becoming a clergyman), and no interest in morality either. Her brother, Henry, is just like her and seduces Edmund’s sister, Maria into an adulterous relationship, (one that inevitably becomes an excruciatingly public affair and ends her life in privileged high society), and devastates her family. How many of us have been there? Our love endorphins raging, we imagine that we know someone, only to find out, that they are not a good choice. These days, we tend to move a bit too fast, miss all the red flags, and find out too late. Don’t be in a rush. Be your own friend and go slow during the dating process.
Take a year or two to find out if this is the right person and state your intentions: “I want marriage and children” and find out if they are serious about wanting the same kind of relationship. Find out if you both have the same values and intentions. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a casual physical relationship (they are using you). If you need help with dating or how relationships are supposed to work, check out Anna Runkle’s channel (Crappy Childhood Fairy) on YouTube.
By the way, gotta say this…it’s striking that many of the unprincipled characters in Austen’s novels, are the one many modern readers “fall for.” They find Mary Crawford (and her rakish brother, Henry Crawford, irresistibly charming! It’s like they haven’t understood anything that is going on (in the novel)! As if they have been reading a different novel, they simply refuse to acknowledge the truth presented about Henry and Mary. Like Edmund, they ignore the fact that some characters are behaving monstrously. They are explicitly telling us what they are! Mary Crawford speaks lightly about her thoughtlessness—“Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope for a cure.” (MP Ch 7). Despite telling everyone around them what they are like, people don’t seem to hear. We feel for them if they ever meet a “Mary Crawford.” Meanwhile, the heroine in Mansfield Park, Fanny Price, has to fight off Mary’s brother, Henry, who is just as deceptive. Fanny loves Edmund, but cannot reveal it. She is not blinded by Mary’s charm and has not forgotten her faults—
“Could she believe Miss Crawford to deserve him, it would be – Oh, how different it would be – how far more tolerable! But he was deceived in her: he gave her merits which she had not; her faults were what they had ever been, but he saw them no longer.” (MP, Ch)
How do we sift through (or run away)? How do we stay rational during those moments when the love endorphins are going full force? Do we need a strategy? We certainly do! Many a love song goes on about this dilemma, right? Nothing can be done about other people’s behavior, yet we can protect ourselves from serious consequences and entanglement. It’s a matter of having the right consciousness.
The video link (below) is something amazing. It’s a lecture given by my mentor, HD Goswami, on the best way to start understanding this self-knowledge. Enjoy the video!
Jane Austen Yoga 