Can there be really healthy relationships even when we’ve lost our understanding of simple truths and are bombarded with portrayals of abusive partners in modern movies and social media? I mean, sure it sells, yet how do we avoid it? No doubt, the rampant increase in our collective “narcissism” contributes to it. None of us can really stomach that, “meek shall inherit the earth” stuff, can we? Especially when the “narcissistic-in-chief” shows himself to be as barbaric while at state functions as when discussing our country’s fallen soldiers! With such an uncivilized example, no surprise that society veers precariously towards a stronger tendency to mutual disregard and disrespect. And it’s everywhere. Recently, an expert climber from Austria left his (amateur) climbing partner behind to freeze to death on a mountain. Reportedly, it’s not the first time he has done this (that other lady survived). What de heck?
It’s a good thing that Jane Austen challenges our modern ideas of love, and especially she ridiculed imaginary ideas of “love at first sight,” although it is not necessarily impossible. Jane’s was a rational approach to relationships. She grew up during the height of the Renaissance, when rationality was the most sought after quality of a good life. Despite her critique of ‘sensiblity’ (over-wrought emotionality), Austen wrote what are considered the most romantic novels, ever written. How can this be? Her heroines do not stoop to marrying for mere economic advantage, or physical attraction and (while other lesser-as-to-morality characters get themselves stuck in wretched marriages and financial circumstances) invariably, her couples never suffer from any material disadvantage. By holding to reasonable moral convictions, they are blessed with marriages of loving understanding and friendship, which guarantees rational (read: long-lasting) happiness. Mysterious isn’t it?
So. how much do we depend for happiness (in our moments of clarity), on feeling both respect and gratitude towards our partner? Actually, modern relationship therapists (good ones), have started to advise noticing how your prospective partner treats ‘service’ workers (especially when there’s an issue with your order), and other vulnerable persons. The point is, the way we treat people that we can abuse without consequences, says a lot about our character, and if you’re a Jane Austen fan, you know that this is where her novels are focused. She is all about civil and uncivil behavior, and it directly affects the way the novels proceed (these are not so much “action” novels, as they are focused on the actions generated by high or low ethical standards). Those with the highest character end up with a great life and other people, well, not so much. Jane Austen is brilliant at illustrating consequences, and this is why her novels describe a moral universe.
Unfortunately in our society, we hear very little of the truth. Especially as to how our character and choices affect our lives. At this time, 2026 in the USA, especially if we are rational, we must be galled by the “creature-in chief” and his regime, doing endlessly avaricious and criminal acts, whilst fooling themselves as to what they really are! In reality, we make choices based on a “well-bred” (or not) character, and character reflects directly on our morality and ethics, our standards of behavior. At this time, our leaders have no standards and we are seeing every day, that law and justice mean nothing when graft is involved. My mentor notes that while we may not all study psychology, we all have one, and the same goes for philosophy. The philosophy of “takers” is that their own needs are more important than anyone else. Basically it’s atheism, as they imagine themselves as most important, respectable, powerful, the “center of the universe,” etc. It’s delusional. On the other hand, those capable of love see the equality of all and they express their love by giving. On the highest level, what is called ‘depth’ psychology, it’s our deepest intentions (based on the level of consciousness we have) directing the intelligence, and, of course, those with polluted intelligence make the most irrational decisions.
This is where Jane’s advice, “Know thy own happiness,” is relevant. This is the core of her message in her novels—it’s Truth. The truth revealed by self-knowledge, leads us to freedom. With self-knowledge, our gratitude and respect, for all that is worthy of love, removes the ignorance that blinds us to our best life. Thus, it’s a good idea to discover (literally “uncover”) some idea of self—who are we?
Our true self, is consciousness, not a material thing. Our body is merely a vehicle. In fact, we are spiritual beings “dba,” doing business as human beings. Usually, we seek external pleasure while remaining asleep to the true self. The external world misguides us to ignore the reality: Our conscious self is an untapped source of unlimited bliss and knowledge! If we allow ourselves to be controlled by the urges of the senses, we suffer. For example, naturally, when our hunger is very intense, it becomes impossible to think about anything but food—and no one can interest us in anything else. Similarly, if a man is physically attracted by a woman, he cannot simply grab her and try to enjoy her body. His seeing her ONLY as an object of HIS gratification, and not as a person with her own wishes and purpose, becomes uncivilized and disgusting behavior. Actually, morality might be considered a type of common sense, which Americans (generally) used to have. Now, we are a society struggling under a “collective” loss of moral compass. It’s unintentional, yet not as innocent as say, losing our car keys.
In healthy relationships, we enjoy showing the other person how much we value and respect them. We also seek someone who reciprocates our love. Without it, the relationship runs into problems. Jane Austen would say that love is a combination of esteem and gratitude. We cannot use someone while claiming to respect them. Love is expressed by giving, (vanity is expressed by taking). We only require returning our consciousness to its pure form. The process of re-connection to our source is called yoga (literally, ‘connection’). We experience unhappiness because our self-knowledge is “covered” by material modes of nature—goodness, passion and ignorance.
Think of a traffic light with red, green or yellow. Beneath the colored lenses, is pure white light. These 3 modes of nature are covering our pure consciousness and causing us to falsely mistake “self” as the body. So how do we stop identifying ourselves as a temporary material body? It’s interesting that there’s a scientific argument that proves that we cannot be these bodies. According to science, our bodies undergo reincarnation, even in this life.
Science says we are changing the skin cells (every 2 weeks) and all the cells are changing, every 7 years). So divide your age by 7 and that’s how many times your body has reincarnated—just in this one life!
To appreciate a life of goodness and reciprocal loving friendship is a better way of living than mistaking existence as simply a brutish meaningless function of following animal-like urges. So the practice of yoga gives us the realization that gives us the full freedom to truly love others rather than just seeking to exploit them.
As for the body, it’s important and we take care of the body because it is an amazing vehicle for doing what we need to do in life. Especially, the human body (unlike lower forms of life), gives us the opportunity to realize that we are more than just matter. The inner, conscious “self” is a spark of pure consciousness, with qualities that are like the qualities of our Source, yet we are always a separate person with free will. We get spiritual intelligence (buddhi-yoga) by making a sincere connection to our source. This process of “devotional connection” is called bhakti-yoga.
In material (mundane) consciousness, we focus on all things external and temporary. Unfortunately, the body, unlike the eternal self, doesn’t last. Bhakti-yoga is the better option, to “dis-cover” the eternal part of ourselves.
So, having said this much, this blog was supposed to be about Mansfield Park, wasn’t it? Mansfield Park is a challenging novel for many readers. In this novel, both men and women are equally liable to fall in love and “check out” in terms of rational thinking. Omg. It’s such an old story! The hero, Edmund Bertram, develops a dangerous infatuation with the artful and seductive Mary Crawford. Initially, he sees the faults in her thinking and behavior, yet he is gradually blinded. Her beauty, her harp-playing …and Cupid’s arrow! He forgets all her faults and only sees her alluring charms. She’s the “one and only”perfect partner for him! Never mind that she has no interest in religion (Edmund is serious about becoming a clergyman), and no interest in morality either. Her brother, Henry, is just like her and seduces Edmund’s sister, Maria into an adulterous relationship, (one that inevitably becomes an excruciatingly public affair and ends her life in privileged high society), and devastates her family. How many of us have been there? Our love endorphins raging, we imagine that we know someone, only to find out, that they are not a good choice. These days, we tend to move a bit too fast, miss all the red flags, and find out too late. Don’t be in a rush. Be your own friend and go slow during the dating process.
Take a year or two to find out if this is the right person and state your intentions: “I want marriage and children” and find out if they are serious about wanting the same kind of relationship. Find out if you both have the same values and intentions. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a casual physical relationship (they are using you). If you need help with dating or how relationships are supposed to work, check out Anna Runkle’s channel (Crappy Childhood Fairy) on YouTube.
By the way, gotta say this…it’s striking that many of the unprincipled characters in Austen’s novels, are the one many modern readers “fall for.” They find Mary Crawford (and her rakish brother, Henry Crawford, irresistibly charming! It’s like they haven’t understood anything that is going on (in the novel)! As if they have been reading a different novel, they simply refuse to acknowledge the truth presented about Henry and Mary. Like Edmund, they ignore the fact that some characters are behaving monstrously. They are explicitly telling us what they are! Mary Crawford speaks lightly about her thoughtlessness—“Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope for a cure.” (MP Ch 7). Despite telling everyone around them what they are like, people don’t seem to hear. We feel for them if they ever meet a “Mary Crawford.” Meanwhile, the heroine in Mansfield Park, Fanny Price, has to fight off Mary’s brother, Henry, who is just as deceptive. Fanny loves Edmund, but cannot reveal it. She is not blinded by Mary’s charm and has not forgotten her faults—
“Could she believe Miss Crawford to deserve him, it would be – Oh, how different it would be – how far more tolerable! But he was deceived in her: he gave her merits which she had not; her faults were what they had ever been, but he saw them no longer.” (MP, Ch)
How do we sift through (or run away)? How do we stay rational during those moments when the love endorphins are going full force? Do we need a strategy? We certainly do! Many a love song goes on about this dilemma, right? Nothing can be done about other people’s behavior, yet we can protect ourselves from serious consequences and entanglement. It’s a matter of having the right consciousness.
The video link (below) is something amazing. It’s a lecture given by my mentor, HD Goswami, on the best way to start understanding this self-knowledge. Enjoy the video!
Jane Austen Yoga 