What’s going on with so many modern portrayals of ‘loving’ relationships are…at best, hardly loving! Call me romantic, yet it can be argued that we’ve lost even the appearance of love in modern movies and social media. No surprise that, with the rampant increase in narcissism, starting with the USA’s “narcissistic-in-chief, ”…there is a increasing tendency to disregard and disrespect, and recently, a man left his partner behind to freeze to death on a mountain!. This really isn’t normal. As the song goes, where is the love?
Jane Austen questions whether love is really what is felt when, “love at first sight” is claimed. It’s may be only physically attraction and so the correct term would be ‘lust’ not love. This is why, in her novels, relationship based simply on someone’s looks never, ever end well. Not because beautiful people are bad. They likely experience more than their fair share of objectification, and would agree on this point. Rather, the understanding of the ‘lust’ problem is really a misunderstanding of who we are. Our true self, which is “consciousness,” is not a material thing. The body is simply a vehicle, and we are spiritual beings “dba,” doing business in this world as human beings. We are seeking pleasure from the external world while remaining asleep to the internal source of unlimited pleasure.
We are naturally pleasure-seeking beings! Unfortunately, we experience problems when seeking to exploit our own and other people’s bodies, by attempting to gratify ourselves by, in a misguided way. When hunger is very intense, we cannot think about anything but food. We can hardly acknowledge the wishes and needs of other people, when our own needs are unmet. We forget everything! We need what we need, now! On the other hand, we express our love by giving, and we express vanity by taking. When we are in love, we enjoy giving and showing our partner how much we value them. We seek someone who can and will reciprocate our love. (Sadly, it can be difficult to find this. It’s a strange world). To be used by someone is a form of disrespect and we cannot use someone while claiming to respect them.
Therefore, what we really seek are loyalty and consistency in relationships. This is healthy and it’s what we’re wired for. However, under the terrible influence of modern society and social media, we’ve experienced something like a “collective loss” of our moral compass. It’s unintentional yet not the same as losing our car keys. It’s more serious because it’s almost a loss of common sense. For example, a few decades ago, it used to be obvious that being treated as an object by someone was disrespectful, yet here we are, trying to find good partners in a world where being “used” is not considered a real problem. We imagine that love is an automatic outcome of physical attraction and sexual behavior. Is this true? If you have experienced the opposite, (and I’m sure that most of you have experienced this), if it’s not true, where is happiness?
Let’s consider the possibility that happiness as part of who we are as spiritual beings. Happiness is the result of connecting with your inner self. We all have an unlimited source of happiness and we can rediscover it—it’s not difficult to find! The process of re-connection to this source is called YOGA. The source our existence, (or God) has unlimited names and I prefer to use the name Krishna, which means “The one possessing unlimited beauty and attractive qualities”). As we come from a loving, personal and unimaginably beautiful source, we are also innately beautiful and intelligent beings. At this moment, we don’t see our true nature. This is because our self-knowledge is “covered” by material modes of nature—goodness, passion and ignorance. Underneath these various modes of goodness or passion (or ignorance), is a pure spiritual consciousness, which is our true nature. It’s like seeing a traffic light with red, green or yellow. Beneath the colored lenses is simply pure white light. When we can get past these modes of nature imposed on us when we get stuck in this habit (a habit which we’ve formed after many lifetimes of reincarnation, and by our false identification with these bodies). If you haven’t considered reincarnation before then consider that science says we are changing bodies even in this life (every 2 weeks, all the skin cells are replaced and every 7 years, every cell in the body is replaced). So divide your age by 7 and that’s how many times your body has changed—just in this one life!
So back to getting in contact with our personal source. This reconnection is called Yoga. Yoga literally means to connect and it’s the best way to “dis-cover” or uncover the self. Jane Austen wrote novels about self-knowledge (self-realization), self-control and metaphysics (or what exists beyond the physical realm). Her ideas were inspired by the Enlightenment era in Europe, when everyone was interested in science and the best method to achieve happiness. To appreciate a life of goodness and reciprocal loving friendship is a better way of living than mistaking existence as simply a brutish meaningless function of following animal-like urges. So the practice of yoga gives us the realization that gives us the full freedom to truly love others rather than just seeking to exploit them.
As for the body, it’s important and we take care of the body because it is an amazing vehicle for doing what we need to do in life. Especially, the human body (unlike lower forms of life), gives us the opportunity to realize that we are more than just matter. The inner, conscious “self” is a spark of pure consciousness, with qualities that are like the qualities of our Source, yet we are always a separate person with free will. We get spiritual intelligence (buddhi-yoga) by making a sincere connection to our source. This process of “devotional connection” is called bhakti-yoga.
In material (mundane) consciousness, we focus on all things external and temporary. Unfortunately, the body, unlike the eternal self, doesn’t last. Bhakti-yoga is the better option, to “dis-cover” the eternal part of ourselves.
Philosophers like Socrates recommended getting in touch with self and Jane Austen wrote about it. What’s interesting is that her heroines ‘meditate.’ Literally, Jane used this term, “meditation” which, 250 years ago (this is 2026) meant to spend time in silence or prayer. Anne Elliot, the heroine of Persuasion, finds herself in need of meditation when she is finally assured that Captain Wentworth still loves her! Years before, Anne had refused his marriage proposal, on the advice of a mother-figure. So when Wentworth comes back to her and (again) proposes to her, Anne experiences feelings of such happiness that she finds herself needing to meditate. “An interval of meditation, serious and grateful, was the best corrective of every thing dangerous in such high-wrought felicity…” (Persuasion, Ch. 11). Meditation helps us clarify our thoughts and feelings. In Pride & Prejudice, after reading (and rereading), and thinking very deeply about Mr. Darcy’s letter, which made her only too aware of all her prideful misconceptions about him, Elizabeth finally exclaims, “Till this moment I never knew myself.” (Ch. 36). From that point in the novel, Elizabeth and Darcy gradually begin to understand each other. The more they know about themselves, the better they respect and appreciate each other and at last they are able to “connect.” Without honestly understanding themselves first, they never would have been able to love and respect each other. Truly a romantic relationship! This can happen for us also! We are meant to have loving relationships.
Again, by beginning the process of yoga, we will gradually remove the intense identification with these material bodies, and be free to really share love with others, just as Elizabeth and Darcy discovered their appreciation for each other. Love develops as we reciprocate feelings of friendship, respect and gratitude towards each other.
So, having said this much, this blog was supposed to be about Mansfield Park, wasn’t it? Mansfield Park is a challenging novel for many readers. In this novel, both men and women are equally liable to fall in love and “check out” in terms of rational thinking. Omg. It’s such an old story! The hero, Edmund Bertram, develops a dangerous infatuation with the artful and seductive Mary Crawford. Initially, he sees the faults in her thinking and behavior, yet he is gradually blinded. Her beauty, her harp-playing …and Cupid’s arrow! He forgets all her faults and only sees her alluring charms. She’s the “one and only”perfect partner for him! Never mind that she has no interest in religion (Edmund is serious about becoming a clergyman), and no interest in morality either. Her brother, Henry, is just like her and seduces Edmund’s sister, Maria into an adulterous relationship, (one that inevitably becomes an excruciatingly public affair and ends her life in privileged high society), and devastates her family. How many of us have been there? Our love endorphins raging, we imagine that we know someone, only to find out, that they are not a good choice. These days, we tend to move a bit too fast, miss all the red flags, and find out too late. Don’t be in a rush. Be your own friend and go slow during the dating process.
Take a year or two to find out if this is the right person and state your intentions: “I want marriage and children” and find out if they are serious about wanting the same kind of relationship. Find out if you both have the same values and intentions. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a casual physical relationship (they are using you). If you need help with dating or how relationships are supposed to work, check out Anna Runkle’s channel (Crappy Childhood Fairy) on YouTube.
By the way, gotta say this…it’s striking that many of the unprincipled characters in Austen’s novels, are the one many modern readers “fall for.” They find Mary Crawford (and her rakish brother, Henry Crawford, irresistibly charming! It’s like they haven’t understood anything that is going on (in the novel)! As if they have been reading a different novel, they simply refuse to acknowledge the truth presented about Henry and Mary. Like Edmund, they ignore the fact that some characters are behaving monstrously. They are explicitly telling us what they are! Mary Crawford speaks lightly about her thoughtlessness—“Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope for a cure.” (MP Ch 7). Despite telling everyone around them what they are like, people don’t seem to hear. We feel for them if they ever meet a “Mary Crawford.” Meanwhile, the heroine in Mansfield Park, Fanny Price, has to fight off Mary’s brother, Henry, who is just as deceptive. Fanny loves Edmund, but cannot reveal it. She is not blinded by Mary’s charm and has not forgotten her faults—
“Could she believe Miss Crawford to deserve him, it would be – Oh, how different it would be – how far more tolerable! But he was deceived in her: he gave her merits which she had not; her faults were what they had ever been, but he saw them no longer.” (MP, Ch)
How do we sift through (or run away)? How do we stay rational during those moments when the love endorphins are going full force? Do we need a strategy? We certainly do! Many a love song goes on about this dilemma, right? Nothing can be done about other people’s behavior, yet we can protect ourselves from serious consequences and entanglement. It’s a matter of having the right consciousness.
The video link (below) is something amazing. It’s a lecture given by my mentor, HD Goswami, on the best way to start understanding this self-knowledge. Enjoy the video!
Jane Austen Yoga 